Dear Joan & Jericha – Why He Turns Away

We dedicate this tome to Mahmoud, surgeon, prophet, model and friend, whose long hands guided us, whose cinnamon whispers soothed us, whose hot nose nudged us until this book was finally birthed, proud and powerful. Much like the man himself.

This golden man is not simply an outstanding surgeon, capable of performing up to 30 hysterectomies a day (often blindfolded), but is, in his own right, a visionary, a soothsayer, a chosen one. It was Mahmoud’s dream (recounted to us one night in his Harley street rooms as we gulped at his purple port with a big stinky cheese) of the pair of us, bare-breasted atop stallions tossing to the world this handwritten guide to life, sex and all the bits in between, that brought us here, to you.

As much revered celebrities, living glamorous and wealthy lifestyles, we do of course come under fire. There has recently been vicious slander circulating, regarding a small handful of folk who have written to us with a problem and having listened to our response, gone on to take their own lives. As if the two were somehow connected.

These naysayers are generally bitter and jealous spinsters, taking perverse and sadistic pleasure in being vindictive and nasty, while no doubt masturbating at the same time. To these lonely ladies we would say, ‘Go look in your own heart, knock ye there and ask yourself some difficult questions. Because you will find the real guilt writhing within ye, like maggots mating in yesterday’s apple.’

What we offer here is a lifeline, a service, much like the NHS, or perhaps more accurately, the AA. Joan and Jericha: AA for the heart. Affording you the opportunity to have a breakdown, call for a pick-up truck, stop off for a Full English whilst a hairy guy in a grubby onesie fumbles under your bonnet and tweaks at your wiring, before sending you on your way, lubricated, primed, pumped and pretty.